Me experiencing summer slam – final part

9:00

Okay, the next match is a “title-for-title” championship.  John Cena, the United States champion, is facing Seth Rollins, the World Heavyweight Champion.  The winner gets to be the champion of both.

John Cena is pretty much the WWE’s favorite person, and he can never be a bad guy because he is a role model for the kids.  Therefore, he pretty much always wins.  Seth Rollins is a dickhead, but he’s really funny.  It is hard for me to imagine a scenario where this match ends cleanly.  However, John Cena stopped wearing his “I am the United States champion” t-shirt last week and wore a “15 time world champion” t shirt, which is highly suggestive that he will not win the title, because then he would have to stop wearing that shirt, and the WWE wants to sell shirts.  I want Seth Rollins to win.

John Cena comes in and holds up his “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect” towel and runs into the ring.  Seth Rollins comes in wearing a monochromatic white outfit, LOL.  Amazing.  Crowd is chanting for Seth Rollins which is surprising, “Cena sucks” chants are a lot louder than “Let’s go Cena.”  John Cena wearing two wristbands on each arm tonight.  Seth Rollins just runs and does a backflip onto John Cena, cool.  Seth Rollins has shinguards on I think.

Bunch of “big spots” back to back.  Seth Rollins stole John Cena’s finisher, nice.  That doesn’t happen enough in pro wrestling.

Uh oh, referee gets knocked down.  Here comes a dirty ending.  John Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment but the referee has fallen out of the ring due to being in too much pain, and he is not there to count the pinfall.  Jon Stewart runs in with a steel chair LOL.  He hits John Cena with it.  Rollins hits the pedigree on top of the chair and he pins John Cena.  Huge heel turn by Jon Stewart, LOL.  Incredible.

9:30

Next up is a divas team match.  Gonna do the dishes during this.  Also my grandmother called me back.  Happy birthday to her.  We talked about eggplant, because she makes good eggplant.  Don’t know who won.

9:55

Here comes Cesaro.  This guy is pretty good.  There has been “a thing” where people hold up signs that say “Cesaro Section,” I don’t get if it’s because it sounds like Caesarian Section or what, but a lot of people like him, but the WWE never lets him go far, I think.  He is facing Kevin Owens, a guy who is pretty new but has had “the most impressive WWE debut ever” according to the WWE.  He runs his mouth a lot, I like him.

They come out and start hitting each other in the face.  Caesaro goes flying over the rope to hit Kevin Owens, jesus.  Michael Cole, the announcer, starts talking about the people all over the world watching SummerSlam on the WWE Network.  Jerry Lawler says he got a tweet from someone named Jude and Manila, and Lawler really “loves their envelopes.”  Meanwhile, my fucking fire alarm keeps beeping.  It’s making my headache worse.  Both these guys are sposto be real “solid workers” and I guess they’re doing a good job, but my interest is waning.  Trying to prove me wrong, Kevin Owens yells, “I am on fire.”

I took a shower during this match because I’m definitely going to sleep as soon as this PPV ends, because tomorrow I have to wake up and do my job.  Also showers make my headaches feel better sometimes.  So I don’t know who won this match either.

10:20

Up next is the main event, Brock Lesnar vs the Undertaker.  This is a pretty big match, it is a rematch of Wrestlemania from two years ago.  There are 40 minutes left in the show, which would be a long match, but Undertaker always takes like 20 minutes to make his fucking entrance.

Brock Lesnar’s music hits and he comes out with Paul Heyman, hops around on the ramp and HIS FUCKING PYRO DOESN’T GO OFF.  What the fuck is this.  It’s mother fucking Summer Slam, THE BIGGEST EVENT OF THE SUMMER and they fuck up the pyro, or maybe it was even intentional.  He hops on the ring and the pyro comes out of the turnbuckles, at least they did that.

Now the Undertaker is coming out and walking through all the fog and shit.  There’s fire coming out of the ramp

Nice, undertaker gets in the ring and the BEAST Brock Lesnar starts pummeling him before he even gets to take off his hat and cloak.  Undertaker is wearing eyeliner tonight.

Finally they’re both “poised” in the ring and referee Charles Robinson rings the bell.  Brock Lesnar does that MMA thing where he does mounted punches.  Undertaker gets up and goes for that Old School move where he walks on the rope, but Brock Lesnar picks up Undertaker for an F5.  Undertaker gets out, goes for the chokeslam on Brock Lesnar, but Brock Lesnar gets out of the choke.  He does a belly-to-belly suplex and a German suplex on the Undertaker and then yells his catchphrase, “Suplex City, bitch.”  Lesnar has been hit above the eye though and is bleeding, and he is doing that thing where he is “woozy” and staggering around and stuff.  They are outside the ring and Undertaker just bumps Brock Lesnar with his BUTT, then Lesnar F5’s the Undertaker through the French announcer’s table and it collapses.  JBL tells us to “watch Undertaker’s ribs.”  Pretty big “spot.”

Undertaker slowly makes his way back into the ring, he grabs Brock Lesnar by the neck and gives him the CHOKE SLAM FROM HELL.  Lesnar staggers around like Glass Joe in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.  Undertaker grabs him and gives him a Tombstone Piledriver and goes for the cover, But Brock Lesnar kicks out because it’s only 10:30, and Summer Slam is 4 hours long, not 3 and a half hours long.

Brock Lesnar sits up a la the Undertaker, and he laughs.  Then Undertaker does the same thing.  They both look at each other and share a fleeting moment of comradery as they find humor in shared experience.  They go for a hug but end up punching each other.  Undertaker gives Brock Lesnar the Last Ride, but the BEAST Brock Lesnar kicks out.

Brock Lesnar cleans off his face and F5’s the Undertaker.  Undertaker kicks out.  The fans trade chants of “Undertaker” and “Suplex City.”  Another F5, another kick out.  Brock Lesnar has Undertaker in the Kimora lock and the bell just rings.  The ref is pissed, holy shit.  Way to go ref.  I guess Brock Lesnar won.  But then Undertaker hits a low blow when Brock Lesnar wasn’t looking, and I guess the ref wants the match to go on, so it is, even though the bell always signifies the end of a match no matter what.  LOL the Undertaker just chokes him out, and as his parting gesture, Brock Lesnar just holds up his middle finger and passes out.  Undertaker wins.  ROFL

Winner: Undertaker
Rating: B.  Plus points for Blonde Referee being a badass and Lesnar middle finger.  Minus points for disregarding the rules and the match ending 20 minutes before 11:00.

Oh shit it’s not over though.  The replay shows that Undertaker tapped out.  Undertaker walks out to his music, but Paul Heyman is going over to the bell and ringing it.  He is pissed.  He declares Brock Lesnar the winner.  The stadium plays Brock Lesnar’s music, lol.  That’s the end of the show.

Overall thoughts: I’m pissed because I wanted to waste 5 hours of my life watching this PPV, and it only took 4 hours 45 minutes.  Didn’t enjoy the show that much but enjoyed writing to all of you who will never read this.  My roommate came back and fixed the fire alarm too.

Overall rating: C+

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Live Blogging my Summer Slam experience – part 2

7:30

Up next come out these three guys The New Days, these guys are hilarious, but everybody hates them.  They say how New York doesn’t know anything about hip hop, then they go into the ring and they each blow a pitch pipe, and they song that Alicia Keys song where she goes “New York” but they say “New Day.”  They actually sound pretty good.  Mad funny

Their opponents are Lucha Dragons.  They only have two guys though.  Oh, another team is coming out.  Los Matadores, they have a midget with them.  And the tag team champions are coming out, Prime Time Players.  They’re cool.  I don’t really care who wins.

I don’t know what’s going on in this fight, there are like 10 guys.  The one guy who blew his pitch pipe is yelling at somebody from the sidelines, I don’t know who, really hilarious though, he’s like their hype man or something.  “WE ARE SO GOOD” he yells.  A guy from the Prime Time Players, Titus O-Neil, stomps the ringside steps a bunch of times really hard, and his knee brace falls off.  He gets into the ring and manhandles everyone, because he is very big.  The midget tries to fly off the pole and hit the sideline yeller, but the yeller just catches him and slams him to the floor.  There are like six people just writhing on the ground outside the ring.

The New Days exploit some rule and win the match, becoming the new champions, and they run around celebrating and dancing and hopping on their backs, LOL.  Mad funny

Winner: The New Days
Match rating: B+. I didn’t know WTF was going on, but it was really funny thanks to the New Days.

Quote of the match: “You can’t even get a hamburger in WWE because Biggy sells nothing but tricep meat.” – Sideline Yeller

7:50

The next guy coming out has the most ridiculous name I’ve ever heard, Dolph Ziggler.  He’s facing this Bulgarian guy, Rusev, who is massive.  They are mad at each other because the Bulgarian guy (who used to be Russian) was dating this skinny blonde girl, but he was mean to her, so she started making out with Dolph Ziggler, and the Bulgarian found another skinny blonde girl.  The girls will likely affect the outcome of the match.  You are supposed to hate Rusev, but I think he is funny, I want him to win.

Not paying too much attention.  Rusev yells “Rusev.”  Rusev starts doing his submission move and the girls start fighting.  One of them, Lana, is pretty hot, but she is just wearing a lot of make up, she probably isn’t even that hot.  The other one is ugly, I like her.  They all fight outside the ring, and the referee “counts them out,” meaning they were outside the ring for 10 seconds, so nobody wins.  But they say fuck it and they keep fighting.  I think the fans want to see the girls have a “cat fight,” so that is what they are doing.  The stadium plays the music of Dolph Sizzler, so I guess he did better.

Winner: No winner
Rating: C, I didn’t pay attention via it was boring

8:10

Starting to get a headache.  Don’t feel like watching anymore, three hours to go though

The promo they are showing for the next match is really weird, I don’t get it.  Some Hollywood actor “Steven Amell” is going to team up with this guy “Neville” aka “The man that gravity forgot” (really wish they would call him “the man WHOM gravity forgot” but whatever)… against this British guy King Baret and… I don’t know who his partner is.  Neville comes out to some cool fireworks.  I don’t get why any of these guys are together, what is this.  Oh the partner of King Baret is Stardust, some “weirdo” in a Spandex suit with face paints.  Jerry Lawler mentions Andy Kaufman.

I think Stephen Amell is in the match because he is trying to promote his TV show.  He has been feuding with Stardust on Twitter or something.  Neville tags him in and he jumps off the rope, landing short of Stardust, who just pushes him over.  Stephen Amell counters by standing up and kicking down Stardust, who just lets himself get kicked down.  Star dust is mad weird, seems like everyone probably hates him for being so weird, so I want him to win.  Steven Amell looks like he’s taking this staged wrestling match really seriously, looks like he trained for it though, good for him.

Neville jumps off the turnbuckle and does some twisty move called the Red Arrow, and that is enough to hurt King Baret so bad that he could not get up for three seconds and therefore lost the match.

Winner: Neville and Steven Amell
Rating: D+, I didn’t care

8:30

They show a video package between matches and you hear Randy Orton say “Summerslam is like a melting pot of all walks of life.”

Okay, the next match is a Triple Threat match for the Intercontinental Title.  It will feature The Big Show, a 7 foot tall old guy, versus The Miz, a guy whose gimmick is a Hollywood actor, versus the champion Ryback, who is just… strong.  I really don’t care about this, it will probably be boring, hopefully something insane happens, like the midget from before comes in and knocks everybody out.

It starts out with Big Show giving a double suplex to both The Miz and Ryback at the same time (this is a tautology but I don’t know how to better explain it), then he just goes “I’m a giant.”  He then tries to do a front flip off the second rope but he just kinda somersaults and doesn’t hit the guy on the ground, LOL.  Then he starts ramming to everybody with his BUTT.  Big Show stealing the show here.  Ryback climbs through the ropes and the camera man is in his way so Ryback just yells “move.”  Hilarious match so far.

Big Show holds up a fist and yells; the commentator JBL says “Here comes the Kale Punch,” what is that, Big Show is a fat guy, why would he use the Kale Punch.  They both do their finishers, then The Miz comes in and does his finisher, and he tries to pin Ryback who kicks out, then he pins Big Show who kicks out, then he just goes back and forth a bunch of times trying to pin each of them LOL.  When they get up, Ryback hits a move on The Miz, Big Show misses a Kale Punch and subsequently falls out of the ring, and Ryback pins The Miz to retain his title.

Winner: Ryback
Rating: B, this match was really funny, I think it was short though.

8:35

Jon Stewart confronts Paul Heyman backstage.  Standing up for wrestling fans.  Paul Heyman doesn’t care.  Shut the hell up, Jon Stewart.

Oh god fuck this next guy… Ray Wyatt… for his entrance he comes out holding a lantern and the arena is dark and all the ppl shine their phone lights on him.  This guy is the worst… mad boring… has this nasty ass beard, and his “gimmick” is that he is some “crazy” cult leader or something.  His partner is Luke Harper who is pretty much the same guy but the WWE doesn’t let him talk.  It is a tag team match, they are facing Dean Ambrose who is a “lunatic” and his friend Ramon Reigns, a dumb guy who works out a lot.  Ramon Reigns wears body armor for his matches btw.

This match is mad boring… they ripped off Dean Ambrose’s shirt and Luke Harper keeps kicking them in the face. The match she be a lot “crazier” for all the crazy participants innit.  I think the crowd is chanting “Ramon is sleeping” because he has been lying on the floor outside the ring for like five minutes, from what it seems.  Right as they start chanting that he gets up and gets into the match, performing a pump-handle suplex on Luke Harper.

Ramon Reigns and Dean Ambrose do their finishing moves and they win the match cleanly.  A boring ending.

Winner: Ramon Reigns and Dean Ambrose
Rating: D, boring

Summer Slam is halfway over.  The first two hours have been really fucking boring.

Live blogging my experience watching WWE Summer Slam, part 1

Hello, I think I will torture myself.  You see, today is August 23, the day of WWE SummerSlam.  SummerSlam is one of the most important shows for the WWE every year, and according to them, it is “the biggest event of the summer.”  This year, for whatever reason, the show will be four hours long.  Normally the shows are three hours long, and if I can sit through a whole one, I usually come away with a headache.  There is also the SummerSlam pre-show, where “experts” and “analysts” make predictions for the matches (let it be known that everything that happens in the WWE is scripted, and the people on this show are in on it – so yes, the concept of a pregame show for a fake event is just as ridiculous as you think it is).  The pre-show is an hour long, so that makes five hours of SummerSlam for you to enjoy.

I think I’m going to watch all of it.  I’m not a big WWE fan, I watch the pay-per-views usually (via sharing a WWE Network account with three other people which I don’t pay for).  I imagine this will be akin to torturing myself, because usually there are only a couple exciting parts in these things.  Five hours of WWE is completely obnoxious to me and therefore I want to document the descent into madness that will likely ensue when I watch the whole thing.

5:45

Cooking some eggplant and trying to fix my fire alarm.  It has been beeping for two days and I’ve just got around to buying a battery for it.  Also, I am setting up a VGA connection on my old shitty laptop so that I can watch all five hours of SummerSlam on my TV.

6:00

The pre-show is starting.  The theme this year is “Brooklyn,” since the show will take place in Brooklyn.  They show some people in Yankees hats, and then the Barclays center.  This hot ass girl hosting the panel starts talking and she says they will be “breaking down all of the action that is the four hour extravaganza that is SummerSlam.”  The first guy she introduces is some guy with all these tattoos, I don’t know who he is, but he says: “It is finally time for the biggest party of the summer, and guess what, you’re invited,” and then he tells us to use a bunch of different social media platforms and hashtags and mentions something called the Social Media Lounge.  Then she introduces another host Byron Saxton, oh my God this guy is so fucking boring, he has been a commentator on Raw, the show they do every Monday, and he just says the most cliche, unnecessary filler, and practically fades into the background.  Then the girl introduces the last guy on the panel, former wrestler Booker T, and says he is “a man who requires no introduction,” and then goes on to introduce him further by mentioning that he is a host of Tough Enough.

6:15

They go to a commercial, I didn’t know they do that.  The girl keeps saying that the WWE is “invading Brooklyn.”  She then says Brooklyn is “the baddest borough in Brooklyn.”  They show a backstage segment between Jon Stewart from the Daily Show and John Cena who is like the poster boy of the WWE.  Jon Cena is going to be the “host” of Summer Slam, I don’t know what that means.  I guess he will “cut promos” between matches or whatever.

I take the eggplant out of the oven and it isn’t really cooked that much so I will put it back in.  Hoping it comes out okay so I have something to do (eat it) whilst watching Summer Slam pre-show.

6:30

I realized it is my grandmother’s birthday so I call her.  I miss some of what the people were talking about, but at one point, Booker T says the phrase “what have you done for me lately” when talking about some guy.  I take the eggplant out and it’s pretty much burnt, so it isn’t that good.  Actually it is good.  They show a marine raising a WWE flag.

6:45

They were talking about this one guy and he came out and got mad at them for picking against him, and then he took Byron Saxton’s Mountain Dew Kick Start drink.  I tried for 15 minutes to fix the stupid fire alarm, I can’t do it.  I took out the battery two days ago but it still beeps, and there is some part I have to take off before I can put the battery in, but I cannot do it.  So the thing goes off every 30 seconds.  Mad annoying.  Also the stream I set up on the tv is mad choppy, what’s up with that.  I switch to Internet Explorer and it works better.  It is cool to “hate on” Internet Explorer like it is to hate on Nickelback and Comic Sans MS font, but it is better right now, so screw you all.

They show Stephanie McMahon talking about the “divas,” I think she is there to be the feminist for the WWE, she talks about “divas revolution” and “empowering women” and says some stuff about some women graduated from the naval academy or something, WTF is she talking about.

7:00

My stream is freezing, WTF.  The show is about to start.  They always start these things off with fireworks, which is my favorite part of the show.

The show starts with Jon Stewart in the ring saying “what’s up” to everyone.  Crowd shitting on Jon Stewart by chanting “what” after everything he says… just sounds like he’s reading a script some writer from WWE has written.  He’s shouting out names of the wrestlers who will be playing and the crowd is reacting to each one, I think they do that so that the writers can see how the crowd feels about each guy and then they can write results based on what the fans think.  Why would they pick Jon Stewart to do this, Jon Stewart had a sophisticated audience who was into politics and stuff, that’s like the opposite of a wrestling crowd, no offense.

Jon Stewart brings out Mick Foley for some reason, perhaps because it is the biggest event of the summer.  Mick Foley mentions snapchat.  There is a guy with a Netherlands flag in the audience.

The “intro” is Brooklyn themed, and they show the words “history” and “culture.”  They show Coney Island and the subway trains.  New York City is great, cool.  They do the fireworks, they are okay.

7:15

The first guy to come out is Randy Orton.  He is facing Seamus, this insanely white Irish guy.  Seamus yells “FOR MY MOTHER” or something during his intro.  He breathes really heavily.  This guy looks fucking ridiculous, he has a bright red mohawk that’s probably 6 inches off his head, and his beard is in dreads with these ornaments on them, and he’s got one of those piercings through the septum of his nose.  I think these two are mad at each other because one of them interrupted the other one’s match.  Good sign in the crowd that says “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING ? ? ?”.

Seamus starts off the match by climbing onto the announce table and cutting a promo against the crowd, telling them that he does not look stupid, but in fact, they look stupid.  Randy Orton pulls his leg out and Seamus falls onto the table.

They fight a little and Seamus Rock Bottoms Randy Orton twice onto his knee, yells “are you not entertained” to the fans like in Gladiator, and then “slicks up” his mohawk.  Shockwave Flash crashes on my computer, and when I get it working again, the crowd is chanting “ole” like in soccer.

Seamus does some stupid ass flip onto the turnbuckle and Randy Orton turns it into a DDT, which the announcer declares “vintage.”  Then Randy Orton starts pounding the ground or whatever.  My stream cut out for a while and when it came back on Seamus had won, I think he hit Randy Orton with a “Bro Kick.”  I don’t get why that is his finishing move, because his gimmick is of an Irish guy, not of a bro.

Appropriately, they transition to these two bros who won some fantasy football competition and they got to meet some wrestlers… okay… “Jake & Josh”

Winner: Seamus
Rating: C, kinda boring