Okay, the next match is a “title-for-title” championship. John Cena, the United States champion, is facing Seth Rollins, the World Heavyweight Champion. The winner gets to be the champion of both.
John Cena is pretty much the WWE’s favorite person, and he can never be a bad guy because he is a role model for the kids. Therefore, he pretty much always wins. Seth Rollins is a dickhead, but he’s really funny. It is hard for me to imagine a scenario where this match ends cleanly. However, John Cena stopped wearing his “I am the United States champion” t-shirt last week and wore a “15 time world champion” t shirt, which is highly suggestive that he will not win the title, because then he would have to stop wearing that shirt, and the WWE wants to sell shirts. I want Seth Rollins to win.
John Cena comes in and holds up his “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect” towel and runs into the ring. Seth Rollins comes in wearing a monochromatic white outfit, LOL. Amazing. Crowd is chanting for Seth Rollins which is surprising, “Cena sucks” chants are a lot louder than “Let’s go Cena.” John Cena wearing two wristbands on each arm tonight. Seth Rollins just runs and does a backflip onto John Cena, cool. Seth Rollins has shinguards on I think.
Bunch of “big spots” back to back. Seth Rollins stole John Cena’s finisher, nice. That doesn’t happen enough in pro wrestling.
Uh oh, referee gets knocked down. Here comes a dirty ending. John Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment but the referee has fallen out of the ring due to being in too much pain, and he is not there to count the pinfall. Jon Stewart runs in with a steel chair LOL. He hits John Cena with it. Rollins hits the pedigree on top of the chair and he pins John Cena. Huge heel turn by Jon Stewart, LOL. Incredible.
Next up is a divas team match. Gonna do the dishes during this. Also my grandmother called me back. Happy birthday to her. We talked about eggplant, because she makes good eggplant. Don’t know who won.
Here comes Cesaro. This guy is pretty good. There has been “a thing” where people hold up signs that say “Cesaro Section,” I don’t get if it’s because it sounds like Caesarian Section or what, but a lot of people like him, but the WWE never lets him go far, I think. He is facing Kevin Owens, a guy who is pretty new but has had “the most impressive WWE debut ever” according to the WWE. He runs his mouth a lot, I like him.
They come out and start hitting each other in the face. Caesaro goes flying over the rope to hit Kevin Owens, jesus. Michael Cole, the announcer, starts talking about the people all over the world watching SummerSlam on the WWE Network. Jerry Lawler says he got a tweet from someone named Jude and Manila, and Lawler really “loves their envelopes.” Meanwhile, my fucking fire alarm keeps beeping. It’s making my headache worse. Both these guys are sposto be real “solid workers” and I guess they’re doing a good job, but my interest is waning. Trying to prove me wrong, Kevin Owens yells, “I am on fire.”
I took a shower during this match because I’m definitely going to sleep as soon as this PPV ends, because tomorrow I have to wake up and do my job. Also showers make my headaches feel better sometimes. So I don’t know who won this match either.
Up next is the main event, Brock Lesnar vs the Undertaker. This is a pretty big match, it is a rematch of Wrestlemania from two years ago. There are 40 minutes left in the show, which would be a long match, but Undertaker always takes like 20 minutes to make his fucking entrance.
Brock Lesnar’s music hits and he comes out with Paul Heyman, hops around on the ramp and HIS FUCKING PYRO DOESN’T GO OFF. What the fuck is this. It’s mother fucking Summer Slam, THE BIGGEST EVENT OF THE SUMMER and they fuck up the pyro, or maybe it was even intentional. He hops on the ring and the pyro comes out of the turnbuckles, at least they did that.
Now the Undertaker is coming out and walking through all the fog and shit. There’s fire coming out of the ramp
Nice, undertaker gets in the ring and the BEAST Brock Lesnar starts pummeling him before he even gets to take off his hat and cloak. Undertaker is wearing eyeliner tonight.
Finally they’re both “poised” in the ring and referee Charles Robinson rings the bell. Brock Lesnar does that MMA thing where he does mounted punches. Undertaker gets up and goes for that Old School move where he walks on the rope, but Brock Lesnar picks up Undertaker for an F5. Undertaker gets out, goes for the chokeslam on Brock Lesnar, but Brock Lesnar gets out of the choke. He does a belly-to-belly suplex and a German suplex on the Undertaker and then yells his catchphrase, “Suplex City, bitch.” Lesnar has been hit above the eye though and is bleeding, and he is doing that thing where he is “woozy” and staggering around and stuff. They are outside the ring and Undertaker just bumps Brock Lesnar with his BUTT, then Lesnar F5’s the Undertaker through the French announcer’s table and it collapses. JBL tells us to “watch Undertaker’s ribs.” Pretty big “spot.”
Undertaker slowly makes his way back into the ring, he grabs Brock Lesnar by the neck and gives him the CHOKE SLAM FROM HELL. Lesnar staggers around like Glass Joe in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. Undertaker grabs him and gives him a Tombstone Piledriver and goes for the cover, But Brock Lesnar kicks out because it’s only 10:30, and Summer Slam is 4 hours long, not 3 and a half hours long.
Brock Lesnar sits up a la the Undertaker, and he laughs. Then Undertaker does the same thing. They both look at each other and share a fleeting moment of comradery as they find humor in shared experience. They go for a hug but end up punching each other. Undertaker gives Brock Lesnar the Last Ride, but the BEAST Brock Lesnar kicks out.
Brock Lesnar cleans off his face and F5’s the Undertaker. Undertaker kicks out. The fans trade chants of “Undertaker” and “Suplex City.” Another F5, another kick out. Brock Lesnar has Undertaker in the Kimora lock and the bell just rings. The ref is pissed, holy shit. Way to go ref. I guess Brock Lesnar won. But then Undertaker hits a low blow when Brock Lesnar wasn’t looking, and I guess the ref wants the match to go on, so it is, even though the bell always signifies the end of a match no matter what. LOL the Undertaker just chokes him out, and as his parting gesture, Brock Lesnar just holds up his middle finger and passes out. Undertaker wins. ROFL
Rating: B. Plus points for Blonde Referee being a badass and Lesnar middle finger. Minus points for disregarding the rules and the match ending 20 minutes before 11:00.
Oh shit it’s not over though. The replay shows that Undertaker tapped out. Undertaker walks out to his music, but Paul Heyman is going over to the bell and ringing it. He is pissed. He declares Brock Lesnar the winner. The stadium plays Brock Lesnar’s music, lol. That’s the end of the show.
Overall thoughts: I’m pissed because I wanted to waste 5 hours of my life watching this PPV, and it only took 4 hours 45 minutes. Didn’t enjoy the show that much but enjoyed writing to all of you who will never read this. My roommate came back and fixed the fire alarm too.
Overall rating: C+